da boca dos outros

Este texto é demasiado bom para não o lerem. 

A sério, marquem-no, façam um auto-reencaminhamento por email, registam nas vossas agendas, aproveitem durante uma pausa para o chá, etc., mas prometam-me que não vão deixar de o ler. 

É muito bom. Eu (ainda) não sou mãe e já o sinto plenamente. 

Mesmo considerando as diferenças entre o que penso que uma mãe adoptiva deve procurar saber, em comparação à “maternidade biológica”, é assim que penso e sinto as coisas da parentalidade. 

Tão real, tão palpável, tão de carne e osso e coração. 

Estou muito contente de ter ido parar ao blog da Menina :) 

Ide ide, ide lá ler o texto sobre o tipo de mãe que se é.

Cipreste

da boca dos outros (listas!)

An Adoptee’s Perspective: 10 Things Adoptive Parents Should Know

1. Adoption is not possible without loss. Losing one’s birth parents is the most traumatic form of loss a child can experience. That loss will always be a part of me. It will shape who I am and will have an effect on my relationships—especially my relationship with you.

2. Love isn’t enough in adoption, but it certainly makes a difference. Tell me every day that I am loved—especially on the days when I am not particularly lovable.

3. Show me—through your words and your actions—that you are willing to weather any storm with me. I have a difficult time trusting people, due to the losses I have experienced in my life. Show me that I can trust you. Keep your word. I need to know that you are a safe person in my life, and that you will be there when I need you and when I don’t need you.

4. I will always worry that you will abandon me, no matter how often you tell me or show me otherwise. The mindset that “people who love me will leave me” has been instilled in me and will forever be a part of me. I may push you away to protect myself from the pain of loss. No matter what I say or do to push you away, I need you to fight like crazy to show me that you aren’t going anywhere and will never give up on me.

5. Even though society says it is PC to be color-blind, I need you to know that race matters. My race will always be a part of me, and society will always see me by the color of my skin (no matter how hard they try to convince me otherwise). I need you to help me learn about my race and culture of origin, because it’s important to me. Members of my race and culture of origin may reject me because I’m not “black enough” or “Asian enough”, but if you help arm me with pride in who I am and the tools to cope, it will be okay. I don’t look like you, but you are my parent and I need you to tell me—through your words and your actions—that it’s okay to be different. I have experienced many losses in my life. Please don’t allow the losses of my race and culture of origin to be among them.

6. I need you to be my advocate. There will be people in our family, our school, our church, our community, our medical clinic, etc. who don’t understand adoption and my special needs. I need you to help educate them about adoption and special needs, and I need to know that you have my back. Ask me questions in front of them to show them that my voice matters.

7. At some point during our adoption journey, I may ask about or want to search for my birth family. You may tell me that being blood related doesn’t matter, but not having that kind of connection to someone has left a void in my life. You will always be my family and you will always be my parent. If I ask about or search for my birth family, it doesn’t mean I love you any less. I need you to know that living my life without knowledge of my birth family has been like working on a puzzle with missing pieces. Knowing about my birth family may help me feel more complete.

8. Please don’t expect me to be grateful for having been adopted. I endured a tremendous loss before becoming a part of your family. I don’t want to live with the message that “you saved me and I should be grateful” hanging over my head. Adoption is about forming forever families—it shouldn’t be about “saving” children.

9. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. I may need help in coping with the losses I have experienced and other issues related to adoption. It’s okay and completely normal. If the adoption journey becomes overwhelming for you, it’s important for you to seek help, as well. Join support groups and meet other families who have adopted. This may require you to go out of your comfort zone, but it will be worth it. Make the time and effort to search for and be in the company of parents and children/youth who understand adoption and understand the issues. These opportunities will help normalize and validate what we are going through.

10. Adoption is different for everyone. Please don’t compare me to other adoptees. Rather, listen to their experiences and develop ways in which you can better support me and my needs. Please respect me as an individual and honor my adoption journey as my own. I need you to always keep an open mind and an open heart with regard to adoption. Our adoption journey will never end, and no matter how bumpy the road may be and regardless of where it may lead, the fact that we traveled this road together, will make all the difference.

seis coisas ao calhas sobre mim... e a minha infertilidade

OH INFERTILITY!

Um blog em língua inglesa, a convite de uma amiga de infância.

Vou deixando os posts à medida que saem.

SIX RANDOM FACTS ABOUT ME... AND MY INFERTILITY

Just like Sandy, I also think these lists are always fun to do so here I go:

1) I have a recurring dream in which my loving mom denies me as her daughter (I believe Freud would relate this to my infertility).

2) I am not jealous of your pregnancy or motherhood, please share it with me.

3) I’m infertile for 15 years now. That’s many years of dreaming of names for possible future babies. It also proves to me that names have a lot to do with trends BUT I may say that I still like the first names I thought about.

4) Instead of it becoming easier to go through Mother’s Day, every year it’s becoming harder. During the last one I hardly contained my tears on the phone with my mom and then locked myself at home and had a “good” cry.

5) I don’t think I deserve a child more than you do but I do feel like slapping you if you tell me “you don’t know how lucky you are for not having kids” (even if it is a very desperate day for you, sorry but I won’t be empathic after those words).

6) I feel proud that I have the courage to go through fertility treatments (e.g. I know it’s not that much of a big deal but still… imagine weeks after weeks of injecting yourself daily).

I’d love to read six random things about you & your infertility.



Cipreste